Friday, September 02, 2005

it figures

It does figure. I'm shaking. Right at this moment, trembling. I know who this is in me. I just don't know what you're saying to me. I mean, you went away. So how do I know how to read what you're bringing me anymore? Something triggered this. I don't know what. I feel like you're telling me to let go. Of something, or maybe everything? I'm still shaking..it's not going away completely but since I started typing, it's not as intense. I keep hearing in my head "fix YOURSELF". "forget me". I want to think that it's not what I'm hearing. It makes me cry. Not that I think you're coming back but you're still here goddamn it.

So I'm typing and all that comes out now isn't me. you have my attention. i know, it doesn't have to be perfect...just please don't make me dizzy. okay...so here goes. The reason I'm contacting you is to let you know that you've been on my mind. things are different with me now. I'm in a limbo too. It's not what you think and I remember you. Most of all I remember you. I'm tinking you need to fix yourself becuase something is coming and you know it but you don't listen. you've forgotten what we learned. you have to go back there. you have to get clean and in more ways than one. I don't want to scare you. I love you. you doubted that. Yes...I did doubt it. But you have to let go of the past. You have to get right in your head. stay awake. You know (me) I never quit loving you Jesse. I never let go of anything. I even knew you were getting married. I saw the whole thing. Just get ready Maureen. Just start preparing for something big. Whatever you do, be positive and know it's big but it's good. Don't hate yoursel but start now because you have time but not a lot.

Okay, I'm completely confused....and I'm out of that state now. It's like a message I get in my head and I have to type it out. I think this is the only wa I can keep track of it. I hope to reflect back on this later and know that it's what I thought it was. It always comes from the left. Odd, he was left handed (is left handed) and he always hits me from the left. I don't know what to do but clean. I'm going to go do that now.

That's all I got...I think he's gone.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

stamp me, I'm checked out

so I'm thinking is it better to hold onto something that you know is leaving or let it go?

These last few days have been pretty sad. I keep thinking of how selfish I am. I just don't feel respected anymore and I'm pretty much taken for granted. It's sad to feel like you have no real friends even those who proport to be your friends treat you like shit, never say thanks and basically crap on every day they possibly can suck the life out of you.

I have been asking for a break from the band for a while but I don't get it. Everyone else? They schedule vacations, they make plans and I basically live and breathe this shit. What did I do tonight? Oh I printed inserts and mailed CDs. Yeah, that's what I did. I'm not happy. Work is stressful...my mother is so needy, my band is so lost. I feel like busting out of this goddamn prison.