Holy shit...being greatful for being broken

So here I am. 3:45 am. I just got home from the hospital. Today was an entire day of trying to decide whether or not my mom needed to be seen at an actual medical facility, getting her to the right place and then transfering her to another hospital so I could arrive at 12AM this morning to provide some comfort by delivery her stuffed monkey - Bonsai.

I know there is a universal pull at work here. I cannot for the life (or death) of me determine why this is happening. For fuck's sake - I cannot even figure out what IS happening hag the time.

My mom's blood presure was so low - 70/54 and they're trying to get her into the 90 range to keep her alive and safe. I pray to all things overseeing that her horrible pain subsides. She has a strong will to live. Craves ginger ale and calls it "madaline" sometimes. Odd to me that I get that. Perhaps I'll do some research and see if there was a tonic or something called Madaline in an earlier era that was made of ginger or something.

My best wish is that she will pull though this and I can bring her to my one bedroom apartment. It will be difficult but I love her so much I cannot leave her in the hands of over worked no english speaking "care givers".

I'm so surprised as 9/11 approaches that I couldn't give two shits about the upcoming local elections or the 5 year anniversary of 9/11/01. Wow, perspective is insane. I actually wished I had that ugly BLINE job this past week. This week, i'm broke but so glad that I don't have to go there.

In the name of all things proper, please let my mom be out of pain, gain weight and be strong enough to walk and live out the balance of her life outside of a facility where she is just another patient. Please, I'm calling to the universe. help me and help her most of all.

September 2006 is here....what shall I do

I'm writing some songs and I keep thinking to myself "you're a pussy if you don't finish this stuff and just get it ON!" Rent will be late this month as I'm thrice laid off and soon I WILL be living in a van down by the river. I just have two other cars to get rid of first.

Mom is ill. I think it's the opitates. I give her smoothies, she gives me green vomit. So I had an incredible fantasy of me actually looking GREAT, being happy again and preforming my material. Going on various talk shows to promote my new record but just the like really sad sorry ones that no one listens to because they're the only ones that would have me. I had a fantasy that I got to go crack jokes for a day on Howard Stern and then play some acoustic songs. Now THAT is a fantasy.

See this stress forces me to go out of my own life and create an alternative existance. You know, one where I can pay my rent, buy food and cigarettes. One where the car payment isn't a stressor and my mom has recovered well from what she's been through and now we'll go play tennis at Jerry Seinfeld's in the Hamptons. Oh what a life it could have been.