In closing...

I've had five, yes FIVE jobs this year, it's late October and as of 10/15/08, I no longer work for Centersuck. Fine by me. John Flint is one of, if not the most incompetent politicos I've ever met in my life. While he appears harmless, turns out he's actually useless unless you need to completely ruin any chance of accomplishing a job skillfully.

I'm posting this because I'm considering writing a review of the company. The kicker is that if I do this, I must also include a review of Idea Entity which should be forced to change their DBA to Brad's Ego Inc. Regardless, they'll both be short reviews and I'll highly recommend that anyone thinking of taking a position within either of these disorganized organizations should run far far away. I'm so tired of reliving each nightmare. I'm closing off the vein as they got enough of my blood this day last week (they belng CEnterstance).

I will be doing the following things today:
1. Completing a daily schedule - baby steps to get me back on track in my meditation practice, taking care of myself and my living space
2. Setting goals - long and short term
3. Scouring the fridge

It's like a positive breakup but I need to put all of this into the proper perspective in order to make sure I am THINKING and COMPREHENDING. Within one week I will have reset myself and be on track for my next jeventure.

I'll keep you posted me!

you...you onion you!

I Have An iPod–In My Mind

I'm sure you've seen a lot of tech-savvy people smugly showing off that new hunk of entertainment hardware, the iPod personal stereo. Well, I might not have the scratch to get one, but frankly, I don't want the white-corded wonder. I have my very own iPod-in my mind.

Thursday thursday...la la, la la la la...

So working at drugstore...oh boy. Thursday stresses me OUT! It's actually my 5th Thursday. That afternoon meeting where I have to go over projects and look dumb every week (recurring dumb dumb!) is no fun EVER. I think last week I was more relaxed during the meeting. I felt I had permission to give control over to the flow of the meeting and the participants. Luckily this week, there is a big management meeting and most of the big "ballahs" won't be in attendance. That said, some one will for sure call me out on my lack of being up to date on the active list. I am going to be staying up all night and update the dumb list.

My back is still not doing good. Thank you poppy plants for oxycontin. I don't know what I'd do if I had to rely on my doctor and vicodin for some relief. I know the doc is just doing what she thinks is the best way to give me some pain relief without hocking me to China with a serious opiate addiction but then again, we're a bit late for that.

I've been pretty down lately. I think the stress of the job, the hideous pain in my back/leg/hip/brain and the fact that I have my third Mother's Day with no living mother is really bumming me out That and the fact that I'm just beat tired, PMSing and of course living in a pig pen.

I gotta start attacking the mess. It's getting to be regoddamndicuolus.

Hopefully no one ever reads this but me. Time to update those privacy settings!

the story so far...

I met Sylvia's evil sister. Yes evil. It's valentines day and who cares. I'm probably fired from T-Mobile and hopefully, soon to be hired at Microsoft. Holly came over tonight. Yes Holly. The world has officially turned on it's axis.

Thankfully I found a nice rip off of the free radio saga since Howard Stern went to Siris...ironically titled "Free Radio". Emo Sarah has made my day.

it's a cruel mad world isn't it?

It didn't take me too long to discover that I cannot be healed by a fabulous Tool show or by seeing Tori Amos perform "Smells Like Teen Spirit" live. What I did learn after this month of weirdness is that when I'm there, in that acoustical, ravenous temple, I'm home. On stage - wooo another idea. Almost out of body. But at 36, if you haven't nailed it you're better off just keeping the dream alive quietly off stage - in the living room of your 600 sqft Seattle flat dreaming of moving to some far away land where everyone will recognize you. Not like David Hasselhoff in Japan recognize you. Just recognize that you're damaged but worth taking a risk on.

Last week, those two shows, the passes backstage, the new boy who was so not for me (sorry Luis) and the pint of Jack Daniels split along the days made me realize yet again that I am but a wondering soul. While I walk a path, it is important for me to keep my boddichita, raise myself beyond the level of mediocroty and well, not settle for anything less than what it is that makes me happy. What makes me happy is understanding and ending suffering. Is this possible? At least 80% possible, I'm sure of it.

Holy shit...being greatful for being broken

So here I am. 3:45 am. I just got home from the hospital. Today was an entire day of trying to decide whether or not my mom needed to be seen at an actual medical facility, getting her to the right place and then transfering her to another hospital so I could arrive at 12AM this morning to provide some comfort by delivery her stuffed monkey - Bonsai.

I know there is a universal pull at work here. I cannot for the life (or death) of me determine why this is happening. For fuck's sake - I cannot even figure out what IS happening hag the time.

My mom's blood presure was so low - 70/54 and they're trying to get her into the 90 range to keep her alive and safe. I pray to all things overseeing that her horrible pain subsides. She has a strong will to live. Craves ginger ale and calls it "madaline" sometimes. Odd to me that I get that. Perhaps I'll do some research and see if there was a tonic or something called Madaline in an earlier era that was made of ginger or something.

My best wish is that she will pull though this and I can bring her to my one bedroom apartment. It will be difficult but I love her so much I cannot leave her in the hands of over worked no english speaking "care givers".

I'm so surprised as 9/11 approaches that I couldn't give two shits about the upcoming local elections or the 5 year anniversary of 9/11/01. Wow, perspective is insane. I actually wished I had that ugly BLINE job this past week. This week, i'm broke but so glad that I don't have to go there.

In the name of all things proper, please let my mom be out of pain, gain weight and be strong enough to walk and live out the balance of her life outside of a facility where she is just another patient. Please, I'm calling to the universe. help me and help her most of all.

September 2006 is here....what shall I do

I'm writing some songs and I keep thinking to myself "you're a pussy if you don't finish this stuff and just get it ON!" Rent will be late this month as I'm thrice laid off and soon I WILL be living in a van down by the river. I just have two other cars to get rid of first.

Mom is ill. I think it's the opitates. I give her smoothies, she gives me green vomit. So I had an incredible fantasy of me actually looking GREAT, being happy again and preforming my material. Going on various talk shows to promote my new record but just the like really sad sorry ones that no one listens to because they're the only ones that would have me. I had a fantasy that I got to go crack jokes for a day on Howard Stern and then play some acoustic songs. Now THAT is a fantasy.

See this stress forces me to go out of my own life and create an alternative existance. You know, one where I can pay my rent, buy food and cigarettes. One where the car payment isn't a stressor and my mom has recovered well from what she's been through and now we'll go play tennis at Jerry Seinfeld's in the Hamptons. Oh what a life it could have been.